and you've broken your only doll, and what will you do with a girl if she's refusing to be alive?

(this day sounded like this)
my mother brought much roses.
i played with the idea of being very very terribly beloved. in that way that you feel like you can't breathe anymore. and that the whole world is spinning. when your heart aches as if it were a balloon that someone was trying to fill with so much air you knew it would burst any minute now any minute now.







i didn't succeed very well. but drowning in roses works just as well. and instead of stupidluvthingies you can fill yourself with cherries. works much better. and lasts a lot longer. is far more reliable. and tastes never bitter. is rotten a lot more seldom.

colours are what keep me alive colours are what to hold in my head colours are where my my old meets new colours are where my my brain finds blue

there's nothing in this heart but me, everything you want is not free

i cup the window, i'm crippled and slow for the agony i'd rather know, 'cause blinded i am blindsided

(would you really rush out for me now)

sometimes the highlight of your week is finding several boxes full of different sorts of green tea.




it's those weeks when you spend each hour in the same spot, sitting on that window, drinking tea smoking writing reading.

watching days turn to nights turn to weeks turn everything I got into techniques, my mechanical heart how it tears me apart

i'm all set for way out west. can't wait to get to travel again, even if it's just to sweden.

though i still can't decide if i dare to stay in that certain town for very long. a little scared that either my mechanical heart will stop functioning due to old heartbreaks or due to new ones.

i look at myself and it's so plain to see, all i need is to change, not too much, i still want to be me, everyone looks the same

why aren't i one of these interesting people
who's always got something to say
to not be contrived and to feel so alive
and to never have wasted a day
to go for long walks and have well-informed talks
in an unconfrontational way


virtually impossible to update this blog because the internet does not work in my computer where all the photos are and because usb-portals are broken so i can't transfer them into this computer and because this computer doesn't burn cd's. gah. i feel so crippled.

i'm not a student i'm meant to be an artist, i'm a dropout i'm a dropout i'm a dropout but i'm proud

helsinki by night is best in colours and long exposures.

we sang songs with nasty lyrics and tried to turn out lungs grey.

and then there was The Case of Baker. Somebody had left this into an old phonebooth:







these sorts of nights were some of my favourites in helsinki. and five days ago i decided to move to turku in five days. i'll miss people and moments but i would not dare to say aloud how afraid i am that i'll miss them terribly terribly much.

streaming through the radio dancing all around spread the word in stereo at the speed of sound

I went to a buddhist party with the ever-so-lovely Emma.
AND THE BUDDHA'S THEY SURE KNEW HOW TO PARTY. the strangest party of my life. They even served awesome veggie food! And gave you a shot if you could hit a buddha's face with a pie. We step inside and see half-naked people enjoying the sauna. And two women dressed as nurses and giving a dance show. The other one told me she has a child and that she actually is a nurse. And they danced all night long. We has red wine and fags. And on our way back home a middle-aged woman asked us how much would she need to pay for some va-jay-jay. Religion (y)

we like to watch you laughing, you pick the insects off plants, no time to think of consequences

a dalmatian puppy and one 5-year-old and one 7-year old and one 20-year old ergo four kids went for a walk one day. and a healthy kid plays, they say.

squeaky swings and tall grass the longest shadows ever cast the water's warm and children swim and we frolicked about in our summer skin

this is summer to me.

i helped my mother to move in to her new home. and as a neighbour she got a cat. from tomorrow onwards that cat will be my neighbour also.

try to figure out and laugh yourself to the showers, burn yourself alive and join the monster squad, they say in this place you can reinvent yourself

in this place you can reinvent yourself

in the middle of the summer i'm not sleeping

i really don't have the energy to edit photos anymore nowadays.

ps. veera is my favourite person atm. cars and fields!!