the water's warm and children swim

i've come to hate my body and all that it requires in this world

(i hate the big decisions that cause endless revisions in my mind)

and as the flash bulbs burst she holds a smile like someone would hold a crying child

20081221



long ago, stream of consciousness-drawing with the love of my life who all in a sudden can turn so difficult and you can't reach her via phone nor internet and you get frustrated but not for a second do you love her any less.

and you've broken your only doll, and what will you do with a girl if she's refusing to be alive?

(this day sounded like this)
my mother brought much roses.
i played with the idea of being very very terribly beloved. in that way that you feel like you can't breathe anymore. and that the whole world is spinning. when your heart aches as if it were a balloon that someone was trying to fill with so much air you knew it would burst any minute now any minute now.







i didn't succeed very well. but drowning in roses works just as well. and instead of stupidluvthingies you can fill yourself with cherries. works much better. and lasts a lot longer. is far more reliable. and tastes never bitter. is rotten a lot more seldom.

colours are what keep me alive colours are what to hold in my head colours are where my my old meets new colours are where my my brain finds blue

there's nothing in this heart but me, everything you want is not free